Unsolicited advice for my pregnant friends

If you are already visibly pregnant, you may have already noticed that social boundaries are beginning to change as friends, family, and even complete strangers put their hands on your belly - sometimes without even asking!  Over the course of the next few months, you’re going to hear from just about everyone that your life is about to change in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. The barista at Starbucks will warn you about the sleep deprivation and tell you to get lots of sleep now (as if that’s going to make you feel better when you’ve been up for days with only a few hours of sleep – “Oh, I’m so glad I got all that sleep last month!”).  The lady behind you in line at the supermarket will tell you all about her own (or her sister’s, cousin’s, best friend’s or neighbor’s) pregnancies.  Some coworker will recount every gory detail of her first pregnancy, from morning sickness to crowning.  

The good news is that you won’t be pregnant forever, and the belly groping will eventually stop.  The bad news?  Once your baby is born, the unsolicited advice will overflow as you will become fair game for every well-meaning man, woman, and child to tell you everything you’re doing wrong and why their way is better.   

So, what makes me think you want to hear my advice now?  Well, maybe you don’t, but these are the things that I wish people HAD told me when I was pregnant, rather than telling me about their sister-in-law’s failed induction that led to a c-section or why I must get the epidural.  The following is my unsolicited advice:

1. You're reading the wrong books

When I was pregnant, I read lots of books: What to Expect When You're Expecting, Your Pregnancy Week by Week, and even Belly Laughs, by Jenny McCarthy.  It was fun reading about my baby's weekly development, and I felt reassured that all of my wacky pregnancy "symptoms" were normal.  It never occurred to me to read some baby books as well.  Seriously.  There I was, thrilled to be pregnant (despite the water retention, swollen hippo feet, acne, and frequent trips to the bathroom), just giddy with excitement about having a baby, but I was so caught up in the pregnancy part that I forgot to read ahead to find out what was coming next.  Well girls, all that free time you have to read while you're pregnant is going to be a distant memory once your bundle of joy arrives, so take advantage of it and read up a little bit on burping, spit-up, colostrum, umbilical cord care, sleep, and poop (it's amazing how interested in poop you will become in your first few weeks as a new mom).  I highly recommend The Baby Book (along with just about everything from the Sears Library), Sleeping With Your Baby, by Dr. James McKenna (even if you don't plan on co-sleeping), and The No-Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley.

2. Do your own research

In addition to reading the baby books, I encourage you to once again take advantage of the free time you have now and do some research.  Think your doctor has told you all you need to know?  Think again.  I believe that most doctors really do have good intentions, but too many of them are not up to date on current recommendations or may not have taken the time to fully educate themselves and then their patients.  The burden is on you, so do your homework.  Find out what you need to know about medicated birth, vaccines, circumcision, and breastfeeding.  You will need to make decisions about all of these things and you will likely feel more comfortable if those decisions are informed.

3. Keep the receipts

Nesting during pregnancy inspires many trips to the local baby store.  I remember marching (well, actually, I was waddling) up and down the aisles with my husband, armed with our barcode scanner registry gun, convinced that we needed everything in that store.  We spent months agonizing over choosing the right crib, stroller, bottles, and the rest of the obligatory baby gear.  Well, I can tell you that our beautiful (and expensive) crib has yet be slept in, Monkey spends more time in a sling, wrap, or carrier than in a stroller, and once we had established breastfeeding, he refused bottles.

4. Attend a La Leche League meeting

It’s no secret that I’m a lactivist and want every baby to be breastfed, so I’m going to skip the part where I tell you all about the wonderful benefits to both baby and mom (I’ll save that for another post).  You probably already know most of that stuff anyway, right?  What you may not know is that breastfeeding, much like most aspects of parenting, is not without its challenges, and may not come “naturally” to all mothers and babies.  This is especially true for mothers who have endured highly medicalized births such as inductions or cesarean sections.  The best way to combat these breastfeeding challenges, should you encounter them, is to arm yourself with knowledge before they occur.  Yup, I’m telling you to do more homework.  Go to a La Leche League meeting near you and talk to other moms.  Moms-to-be attend all the time, so there’s no need to feel weird about possibly attending without a babe in arms.  Listen to the moms and meeting leaders and ask them any questions that you may have.  You may find that some of them delivered in the same hospital or birthing center as you and they may have specific advice.  LLL meetings are great for growing your circle of mom friends and for getting the support that many breasteeding moms seek.

So, there you have it.  I hope that this helps you along as you fumble towards motherhood.  Just one more thing:

5.  Enjoy every minute

I know, I know, the hippo feet, the nausea, the aching back, the hot flashes, and the exhaustion… I haven’t forgotten.  But I promise you that you will have moments when you miss being pregnant.  That amazing feeling of your baby moving around in your belly is unlike anything else in the world.  It’s the beginning of the unique bonding that takes place between mother and baby, and it really is amazing.  Remember, it only lasts for about nine months – a blip in your lifetime – so take the time to enjoy it.

Circumcision: whose choice should it really be?

Lately I've been feeling a lot of guilt over having had my son circumcised.  The truth is, I did absolutely no research on the subject (which is not like me at all).  My husband thought it should be done, and other people suggested that there were medical benefits (such as being cleaner, resulting in fewer infections, and a correlation with lower rates of STDs) so I said, "okay."  I barely even gave it a second thought until it came time to do it.  When the doctor came to take Monkey away for the circumcision, I felt sick about it.  When they brought him back and I saw his raw little penis, I cried.

So, why did I do it?

If only I had taken the time to learn more about it before he was born, I probably wouldn't have consented.  I know now that there was no legitimate medical reason to have it done.  I know now that it was painful for him.  I know now that the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not recommend it.  I know now that I made a decision that cannot be undone, and my son will have to live with it for the rest of his life.

Since there is no medical rationale, why are we still cutting our baby boys? For the sake of tradition, culture, or religion?  Just because something has gone on for a long time (e.g., slavery, female genital mutilation, hazing) or is done in the name of culture or religion (suicide bombings, honor killings, ritual human sacrifice) doesn't make it right, and male circumcision is no exception.

I don't know any men who would voluntarily be circumcised as consenting adults, so why on earth do we, as parents, subject our sons to it?

"He won't be able to remember it, so it's okay."

Really?  REALLY???  Most people can't remember anything before the age of two (and some before the age of 5), so does that mean that it doesn't matter how we treat our children for the first couple of years because they won't remember anyway?  Go ahead and slap your kid around - he won't remember when he grows up, so it doesn't matter.  This kind of "logic" helps parents feel better about the mistakes they've made along the way (and hey, nobody's perfect), but it shouldn't be used to justify abuse - or unnecessary cosmetic genital mutilation.  Besides, we wouldn't allow this to happen to our daughters, would we?

I can't undo what I have already allowed to be done to my son, but I can (and do) support the MGM Bill to end nonconsensual genital mutilation.

I'm a Little Bit Crunchy

The Definition of a "Crunchy Mama" (according to Urban Dictionary):  

"Mother who supports homebirth, breastfeeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, gentle discipline, etc. One who questions established medical authority; tends to be vegetarian and/or prepare all-organic foods. See crunchy and hippie.

'That crunchy mama is breastfeeding in public again!'"

While I remain undecided on having a homebirth myself (the four doctors who make up my child's grandparents would have a collective conniption), I fully support a mother's right to make that choice for herself.  I am a passionate breastfeeding lactivist (and IBCLC-in-training).  I wear my baby as often as possible and my collection of baby carriers is ever expanding.  I like the idea of cloth diapering, but Hubby thinks it's gross, and the truth is, the initial cost is so much more expensive than sticking with disposables.  I believe that co-sleeping is natural for babies and cribs are silly.  Gentle discipline has always been my way, even as a teacher.  I hate using anything with unnecessary dyes or fragrances, especially on my baby.  I am vegetarian and I plan on feeding my baby whole natural (preferably organic) foods rather than jarred processed foods through baby-led weaning when he is ready for solids.  I am a vegetarian, but that's not a choice I plan on making for Monkey.  And don't even get me started about extended breastfeeding!  That one's gonna open a big can of worms after Monkey's first birthday.

So it seems that, now that I'm a mom, I'm a little bit crunchy.  I don't think I'm super granola crunchy, but just a little crunchy (although urban dictionary may beg to differ).  Unfortunately, outside of my online circle of friends, I don't have many people in my life who would describe themselves as such, so I often find myself keeping my crunchy opinions quiet.  And, you know what?  That kind of sucks.

But, what to do?  I like my friends so I'm not looking to trade them in for crunchier alternatives, nor do I wish to "convert" them.  The truth is, I would guess that most of them would be surprised to learn that I'm a little bit crunchy.  Hubby is aware (although slightly in denial) and tolerant of my crunchy tendencies and is even somewhat supportive (as long as the ideas that I propose are not too much more expensive than their less-than-green alternatives as we are on a tight budget these days).

Are there any other closet-crunchies out there?

Bring back the Leaky B@@b!

Breastfeeding did not come easily to me but I was lucky to have the support of my husband, my mom and dad, a handful of fabulous lactation consultants, oh and about 5,000 "Leakies" on a facebook page called The Leaky B@@b.  I'm not sure how I found TLB, but boy am I glad that I did!

Nursing my little Monkey...
Tell me, is this hateful, threatening, or obscene?

When posting on TLB, I felt safe.  I could ask questions about nipple pain without embarrassment or proclaim "BREAST IS BEST!" without offending anyone.  It wasn't long before I felt like a part of the Leaky family.  We cared about and supported one another without judgement.
On new year's eve, I posted for a friend who was suffering from chronic clogged ducts and within a few minutes, a handful of Leakies had responded with encouragement and helpful suggestions for relief.  My friend was amazed, and I felt proud to introduce her to my virtual family.
Approximately 24 hours later, The Leaky B@@b was removed from facebook with the following explanation:
"Your Page "The Leaky B@@b" has been removed for violating our Terms of Use. A Facebook Page is a distinct presence used solely for business or promotional purposes. Among other things, Pages that are hateful, threatening, or obscene are not allowed. We also take down Pages that attack an individual or group, or that are set up by an unauthorized individual. If your Page was removed for any of the above reasons, it will not be reinstated. Continued misuse of Facebook's features could result in the permanent loss of your account."

Huh?  Apparently my caring, non-judgemental, supportive family was considered by some to be "hateful, threatening, or obscene."  It's so absurd, I can't even wrap my head around it. Too many breastfeeding mothers have encountered ignorance and discrimination or have been made to hide under blankets or in bathrooms to feed their babies (despite laws protecting their right to breastfeed in public).  That was out in the real world, and now it's happening on facebook as well.
Shame on you, facebook, for violating your own Terms of Use by "attacking an individual or group."
Please, do the right thing and Bring back the Leaky B@@b!